It’s a classically star-studded episode of WILLIAMSON’S WAY! Today features commercials by Johnny Carson, John Lennon, the Muppets, and John Cleese. Plus, the grand finale of our story “Just Add Walter”, the latest startling transformation of “The New Norm L” and more! This episode brought to you by Muppet Mittens and To Air Is Human Heating & Cooling.
Show Excerpt: Muppet Mittens Commercial
KERMIT: Ith Thih Muh, wih nih lino toes cahaca mih!
MISS PIGGY: Wih Kih emma Pih tih kih yih himma!
JOHN CLEESE: Translation: It’s The Muppets, with a great new line of toasty character mittens! With Kermit and Miss Piggy to carry your homework!
KERMIT: A mah mayba clo, ba YA kih yaha WA!
JOHN CLEESE: Translation: Our mouths may be closed, but YOU keep your hands WARM!
MISS PIGGY: Ih pitika eh emehenna tih! Li rih nih, ih Kih emma Pih kih, IH…
JOHN CLEESE: Translation: It’s practical and imaginative too! Like right now are Kermit and Piggy kissing, OR….?
FX: SNOWBALL HITS CLEESE IN FACE.
JOHN CLEESE: OH!! …Oh ah tha hih thih trillitih ih thi mow wih snihbih ti SHUH UH?
MISS PIGGY: Translation: Or are they hitting the translator in the mouth with a snowball to SHUT UP?
KERMIT: It’s the Muppet Mittens, with our very special owner: YOU! Buy some today!
Show Excerpt: The New Norm L
The lights dimmed. A single spotlight appeared on the microphone and stand at centre stage. Norman Light approached the spot from the wings, to warm nostalgic applause. This did indeed seem to be the moment his fans had been waiting for.
“Thank you. You’re too kind. I’m so flattered that you’ve at last decided to accept me as my own person. I have to confess something to you. I always wanted to be an icon, a leader to people. Back in the 1980s, one of the first experiences I had with a computer was a printout that showed my personality. It said Leader. Specifically, Tape Leader, which I took to mean future president of the Scotch company. But, a buddy of mine pointed out that Tape Leader meant the beginning of a Tape, the stuff that’s blank and not magnetic.
“So, I was bit disappointed with this diagnosis, but, I figured it was just as well my not getting into Scotch tape. If indeed people were always dropping and breaking their glass of Scotch, what good was I doing humanity by encouraging drinking, by taping of a glass of Scotch to my hand?
“Once you do that, you can only handle one drink at a time anyway, and if you’re trying to be nice by repeatedly giving that drink to your date then you get accused of just trying to get her drunk, what with begin caught red-handed with your hand taped up in Scotch tape, especially if you’ve used an industrial strength Scotch tape on your hand and you tear the skin off trying to get the tape off, then indeed you’re caught red-handed, and, it’s bloody, to boot.
“Then again why anyone would boot anybody in a hand that’s already bloody is a mystery to me. But, I guess you could always tape it up.
“Masking tape may be best. But don’t make the mistake I did and stand there with a roll of it hanging off your nose. It conceals your identity, yes, but now you’re a human coatstand.
“Unless you really want to be costumer in a theatre company, in which case this is a terrific way to get started, gathering people’s coats and hats by pretending to be a coatstand.
“One of the great, but unwritten, traditions of the theatre has been the cloakroom dramas, of which there have been many throughout the United States and Europe. The great Sol Jolson, Martha Streisand, Terence Olivier, Don Gielgud, these are but a few of the great cloakroom clerk talents who are said to have put on the audience’s clothes when the audience were in watching the shows and were unaware that the cloakroom staff were putting on great dramas.
“In fact, like a lot of folklore, this isn’t entirely true. The cloakroom staff only had to work with coats and hats and no pants at all. Being pantsless, they were reduced to putting on secret, improvised sex farces where they merely chased each other, pretending to be caught in bed with other people and therefore having to run away without pants.
“The story goes the cloakroom players were shut down by police due to obscenity, but, as the police who walked in had no pants on it has been suggested that this wasn’t the police at all but the custodians of the police station next door. Now, you know. Thank you and good night.”
The audience stood and applauded Norman vigorously. He stepped away from the podium and took a bow, then exited stage left.
May and Klaus were in the wings, not so much smiling as grimacing in astonishment at what they’d just heard, and indeed the reaction to what had just been delivered.
“Seemed to go well!” smiled Norman walking past them to his dressing room.
“Yes…” began Klaus quietly, “Why…?”
Norman sidled up behind them. “Klaus, but no cigar.”
“Beg your pardon, sir?”
“Figured you might have cigars to celebrate the happy event, Klaus.”
“Perhaps, but, cigars are traditionally handed out at the birth of babies, sir.”
“That doesn’t speak well of obstetricians, then.”
“Sir?”
“All that smoking in the delivery room.”
“No, they’re handed out at the office, sir.”
“Babies are handed out at the office?”
“No, cigars, sir.”
“You told me that. We ought to have some at the next show.”
“Very good, sir. Cigars.”
“No, babies.”
“Agreed sir. No babies. Babies wouldn’t understand what you’re saying.”
“No, I mean we ought to have babies at the next show. Get them started young.”
“Ah! Very good sir.”
“Get babies started young on cigars, then let them decide for themselves if they should smoke them or not.”
Norman Light exited into the dressing room to get a bottled water. The news the next day actually carried his return on the front page, globally. It was of particular interest to scientists.
Dr. Rod Murray of the National Institute of Health cited The New York Times headline, NORMAN LIGHT COULD HAVE BEEN A TAPE LEADER, as inspiration to complete The Human Genome Project. This involved identifying over 20,000 individual genes and base pairs that create the basic DNA composition of humans.
“As scientists we’ve all naturally been interested in Norman Light’s unusual DNA since he first burst on, er, behind the scenes, rather, back in 2003,” said Murray. “People the world over were inspired by him, so, we of course followed him too. Now that we’ve completed our project, we hope our research will in help us understand how to predict and cure certain diseases in the future.”
Murray was asked by the Global News agency what relevance the cloakroom players had to world improvements.
Murray looked a little shocked, even borderline offended at this question. “I would think that was self-evident,” he replied. “The cloakroom players are a boon to those who believe the theatre scene requires greater imagination and expansion.”
May and Klaus, sharing the newspaper containing this story, looked at each other. Wasn’t the real story the fact that celebrated alien ex-Hollywood stand-in Norman Light, in trying to organize his thoughts from billions of different stimuli, was in fact talking utter…and wait, did that scientist just agree with him??
There was scarcely time to mull over this new development when The Winnipeg Free Press picked up the New York Times story, and, Norman picked up the Free Press, showing the article to May and Klaus in a surge of self (or, REAL self) confidence.
“This just goes to show they’re ready to hear from the real me!” he marveled. I must continue to speak!”
Featuring: “Muppet Mittens Spot”, “Hello John, Hello Johnny”, “Storytelling – Just Add Walter, Finale”, “A Margarine Spot”, “To Air Is Human Spot”, “Storytelling – The New Norm L, Part 8”, “Poll Vault News Spot”.
